yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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