smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
