either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
