My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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