It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize