some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
