I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
