end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
