I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
please don't ironically join a cult
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