Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
