Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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