Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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