I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
