I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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