I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
