I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
