She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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