so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize