Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
