his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
