my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He passed out mid-signature
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
