Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
