I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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