Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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