mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I am one with the molecules
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
