This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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