office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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