remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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