My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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