jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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