Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
