It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
