You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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