I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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