Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
