I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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