i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
