i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
