someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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