my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Someone signed my nipple.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
