This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
love makes seman taste better
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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