I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
