she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
