its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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