TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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