I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
