I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
