So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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