yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
two words...techno handjob
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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