Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
