Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
