Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
