Got a toothbrush?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
