i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
