Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
