Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
