I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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