Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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