I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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