Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
