Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
