proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
