shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
