I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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