We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
