I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
