I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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